Its going to be a great month :)

Lots of exciting things coming this month! New car, finalizing the end of my old life and getting back on my feet. This past year has been full of new challenges and a lot of growth for me. Steps that definitely needed to be taken. Even though its been tough and trying financially, physically, emotionally and mentally... with all of it- i still find myself happier than what i was a year ago. Thats what makes it worth while. I can look in the mirror and like what I see (not as much as I should, but i'm getting there). I find myself crying less because I'm sad and more for tears of joy. Without all the obstacles I've had to overcome, I don't think the point I'm at now would feel as rewarding, and i still have so far to go! I know I'll get there and I know I'll be okay. Just have to keep taking it day by day and love each moment I am lucky enough to have and enjoy it to the fullest. I lost sight of that once and in turn, lost me- I won't count it as a regret, simply a lesson learned.

The Way I See Love

love isn't a length of time. its not how many facts you know about a person's past. it's not about who they were or where they are from.

love is a feeling of selflessness, complete humility, for the sake of the one being loved. the willingness to give your all and everything you hope to be for the happiness of the other. to see their eyes light up in amazement that they could be adored so much by another human being. love is not getting enough of seeing them smile, being content witht he world watching them sleep. looking into their eyes and nothing else matters. love is something you feel, something you do.

love has no expiration date, no time limit, no maturity level. it sees no boundaries, it is the ultimate emotion that allows us to cross those lines blindly that otherwise, we wouldn't think twice about crossing. it gives us the courage to take the risks and take chances regardless of consequence. the prices we pay for acting on love can at times be great, but no matter- we still take them. because nothing else but love can cause such a rush in our hearts, our heads, and souls. its rarity when it shows true is what makes it so valuable, what makes us hold on with all we've got, and why we give our damndest to keep it. to keep the euphoria love puts us in, as if a high we don't want to come down from. what love, all the good and bad, can do to a person makes it the ultimate drug. what other emotion makes one willing to open up and become so vulnerable to hurt, to pain. its not the love that hurts so much as the consequences for falling into it. love isn't planned, scheduled, or timed out. its something that pulls from deep inside when one is able to sneak past every source of defense your heart has made by something as small as a laugh, a look. realizing love can happen in 2 seconds or it can take 2 years. whatever time it takes- it makes no difference to the strength it has or how it fills you. it still gives you the same rush once it is found or brought out by a special someone. the drive to find love gives us the ability to search out the unexpected instead of settling for the familiar, the safe zone. you don't decide when love will happen, the choice isn't yours to make. however what you do when you find it, is.

love is great but comes seldom. it is to be prized and recognized for all its worth, what it is capable of. we only live once and experiencing love is the greatest thing we can do as life passes.

love and act on love as if the chance may be your last. you never know- it just may be.

One precious year zooms by...

Today my littlest princess turns one year old. i can't believe how fast it came and went. i'm so excited to see what the new year has in store for her, how much she will experience. however, i'm sad to see the past year fade behind me. the first year is filled with so much growing, so many milestones- not that she won't have that in her second year but there's something so special and wonderous about the first.
She is my last, and for that i am sad to see it rush by. it seems to have gone faster this time round than it did with my first. but, i won't drag my feet or cry (too much anyway) because i want to be there, holding her hand as she grows and becomes more and more into the person she's meant to be. i can't do that if i'm too busy focusing on all that has gone by.
So here's to my Pishi Princess Punkin- Happy Birthday Love, Mommy adores you so much :)

serendipity

late last night i sprawled on the couch and channel-surfed til i came across one of my favorite, cheesy, love story movies- serendipity.... i love this film, in all its nauseating, happily ever after glory. i try with all my might to be a realist, learning alot growing up and all that happy endings and forever to be's are for the most part- a crock of shit, only happening to the few fortunate, for whatever reasons... but when i see films like this the romantic in me wants to leap out and dance in a field of daisies with arms waving, singing air supply songs in the warm sun, lol.

this movie in particular, makes you want to think about the what ifs, even with someone you only had a moment with. some would say its holding onto the past, an inability to look forward. but my question is- if it was so friggin fantastic- why the hell would you want to steer towards something different. its like a favorite restaurant or clothing, if its what suits you best, makes you feel amazing, makes you smile- won't you drive that extra hour just to get a bite of that perfect meal, or make a weekend trip to go to the city with that particular clothing store so you can get that perfect pair of jeans?

if its so acceptable to do it for pants or a perfect steak, why is it considered so absurd to do it for love?

love. something that we all humans crave, need, want, whatever. isn't that worth MORE than the clothes or the food?

there's a part in the movie that totally brings me to tears every single time, because i, like i know many of you have felt this way.

"...i've just spent the entire flight staring into the sky, thinking
not about my fiance, but about this mystery guy
i met a million and a half hours ago
a guy i don't even remember, except for this vague picture i still have in my head
it was just a few seconds, a fragment really....
and it was like, in that moment, the whole universe just existed to bring us together.
thats why i'm here...."

ugh!.... gets me everytime.

you know reading this you have that one person in mind. that one person who you may have known for a couple weeks, or maybe a couple minutes, but somewhere deep inside you is was sending fireworks to your head and your heart for those small moments all was right. your soul had found its niche. maybe you are fortunate reading this knowing that one person who made you feel this way is near you, with you. others may be reading this that have not had it yet. and for those like myself who
can still picture their smile in your head,
can still feel the electricity in your fingers when your hands touched..
have to actively make yourself stop thinking about them, rather than remind yourself to give them any thought
oh yeah...... i've been there- hell i'm there.



friggin movie..... lol

a christmas to remember

so being it my youngest's first christmas, the first time i'd been to arizona, my brother's first christmas home from afghanistan... for all these reasons christmas should be remembered and cherished. and somewhere in the back of my mind, sticking to this day like little post-it notes they will exist in some meager way- but holy cow for entirely different reasons will this be this christmas to remember for years to come....

after a 14 hour drive we arrived in arizona, myself working on 2 1/2 hours of sleep. we get there, hugs exchanged, bags unloaded, furniture (yes, i said furniture) our trip was accompanied by a 5x8 trailer stuffed to the brim with goodies such as gifts, a tree, dinging room table, decor for the house. this was to be the first holiday my brother and sister-in-law were to host. exciting isn't it?? okay back to the story- we got showers, air mattresses blown up, and settled in. ready to assemble the tree, dec out the house and enjoy the evening together, only to find our christmas tree in all its pre-lit glory is missing a vital organ- the base : we had absolutely nothing to hold this tree up. so we kiss the idea of ending the evening with a finished tree and stockings hung. the next day a search party sets out looking in stores for a tree stand visiting countless retailers only to come up empty handed in their quest. in my mother's infinite brainstorming she comes across a solution to help us in our tree dilemma. so we gather rocks from outside, putting them in a pot and sticking the tree in- after a bit of fanagling this proves to be the way to go, it worked awesome. then my little nephew becomes ill, throwing up and having an awful time :( however a highlight came through that day, we got snow. i'm partial to a green landscape, but i have to admit, snow in the desert is pretty friggin amazing to see- absolutely beautiful. that night after decorating and having a few drinks we turned in. christmas eve we vowed not to leave the house, last minute shopping had rendered us useless. the stresses of all the food, wrapping gifts, finishing desserts, setting out presents for good girls and boys- our holiday readiness kept us going until almost 2 am!- yeah we were beat. and of course the little ones are up with the chicken, dying to know what awaits them under the tree. so we pull ourselves up out of bed and share christmas and about 4 pots of coffee to start the day. around 10 o'clock, we have stuck the turkey in the oven, the house is filling with amazing smells, everyone squeezing in a shower and a smoke when they can along with filling something with batteries or turning things on little hands aren't quite capable of doing. and almost like out of a storybook- BOOM! the clock strikes noon.

and
every
powersource
is
out.

the electricity for the entire post has been knocked out. no hot water, no tv for the big games on or so we may watch the christmas parades, no heat (remember we had snow) but most importantly- no power in the kitchen.

we hear that a huge bird had run itself into a transformer (i think thats crap, but whatever) and the ENTIRE, now let me stress this- the ENTIRE post was powerless. not, fun. so we assume patience is the way and we will stick it out until it comes back on, no big, we'll just eat a little later. so we occupy ourselves with the last battery power on the laptops, make sandwiches and other provisions that require no power. the warm turkey smell permiating from the oven is starting to fade. the sun is starting to set a bit and we realize we need a backup food plan.

yeah, umm... okay- no backups-
we needed something that could be grilled- hmmm......

how we came up with baked potatoes and hot dogs i still don't know but thats what we had. thats what our christmas dinner consisted of. my poor sis-in-law, she curled up the couch and left reality for a while whilst we tried and made the best of everything. my brother on the other hand was loving it. after whining about missing the game he almost became excited about the situation. it forced us to come together and left the distractions electricity can provide. everyone in their own little digital world.

we got word that the power would be back on no later than 10pm. um, thanks- we think.

it was getting really cold in the house and with no way to warm ourselves my brother and his infinite ingenuity pulls his grill and our huge bag of christmas wrappings out and begins making a fire for us to warm ourselves with on the back porch. and seriously- it really did bring us together. the family as well as some friends gathered around and we laughed and talked around the fire, away from everything- except eachother. and thats what matters right?

okay enough with the sentimentalism....

and like clockwork out of a tv show or lifetime christmas movie- the power popped back on, 10pm sharp.

my sis-in-law was so dissapointed in the day i turned to her and said screw it, "we are doing in now, fire up everything."

so diligently her and i put our nose to the grindstone creating a christmas midnight meal for us all. and at around 11:30 we were finally finished. and was sat around eating our late, but delicious christmas dinner- with 30 minutes of christmas to spare.

the day after christmas we made the spiral ham that got ignored in the day before's fiasco and the christmas dinner leftover were the perfect accompanyment. we planned on leaving the next morning so we took it easy, heading to the mall, grabbing a frosty from wendys and just enjoying our last full day. and the electricity.

that evening we were all resting in the livingroom when my other nephew in almost a dead sleep pops up and starts hurling onto the couch and floor, down the hall way and into the bathroom where the poor thing is found hugging the porcelain god. we decide on that note after we get him settled in its really time to call it a night. we were setting ourselves to wake at around 4 and head out- BUT apparently three more invites to the puke party were passed out. my two girls, and my sister all woke to the same fate as my nephew the night before. but we had to leave, we were working on deadline. people going back to work, planes to catch, papers to sign- lots of good stuff that could be put off, great.

so we pile in the vehicle, smushed by numerous packages, bags, and suitcases. my sister and my eldest in the very back, puking into grocery sacks armed with a roll of paper towels. my infant had ceased thank goodness. so halfway through our return home, the random hacking in the back was our soundtrack. nice.

we finally arrived after numerous stops and seat switching, cig breaks.

and in the days since we have arrived home 3 more people have fell victim to this puking epidemic, myself included. it is sick now i'm writing this wonderful story, lol. the only upside it is seems to some and go with a day so hopefully by tonight i shall be back to good again.

so that is what christmas was for me and mine this year, pretty eventful, interesting and downright crazy, sounds like words most would use to describe holiday with relatives doesn't it?

but i have to say i think this ones for the books, one that takes the cake (a from scratch, delicious, red velvet cake)

like i said one to remember.

ring, ring, ring....

its amazing how a ring can change so many things. it can change events, a mood, life all together. no, i'm not talking about the bright and shiny round one (though it does to an extent). a phone ring, a call from someone, somewhere- and in an instant your entire being can be altered...

crazy right?

yeah... i thought so too- when i actually took the time to think about it today...

i mean really, think of the things that one can here on the phone:

"it's a girl"
"i'm not coming back"
"we're gonna have a baby"
"i got the job"
"i love you"
"it's over"
"he's not gonna make it"
"i'm in jail"

you get the idea.

some days you dread the chiming of that phone wanting to submerge it in the soapy water of the kitchen sink or throw it under a moving train. other days you find it attached to your hand, ready to answer with every ounce of anxiousness humanly possible. catching yourself picking it up even when there was no sound made because you were "just checking".

oi vey- the phone...

it can be where some start their lives with another- or end it. to be truthful, it seeems the more phones we have in the world, the more i see the latter.

the phone can be a window into a person's world. who they talk to, what they say, like, dislike and so on... it can be a place where they have things they want just for themselves, only their eyes. a place where they keep memories, whether through pictures stored or simply a recollection of the long conversations, laughs and cries they have had.

ugh- that damn phone.......

ugh, its been a while

so its been a few since i came 'round.... life it seems has felt like dragging me behind it. almost like if you were sitting on a trashcan lid, tied by a rope to the back of a race car, going down lombard street in san francisco. yeah, that sounds about right...
the holidays are fast approaching, not sure how to feel about them just yet. it will be the first time in YEARS i haven't hosted a holiday for my family. my BABY brothers are doing both. i'm a control freak and the cook of the family. to be powerless on what will be consumed on thanksgiving and christmas is leaving me feeling not-so-great. but i'm trying to be a good sport and just let it roll. i'll just hover near the counter til the baby brother cry for big sissy's help with something or they become so frustrated, that they hand over the kitchen to me. but this is their first year and they are excited so i have to give them a sporting chance. even though we can all agree, as the old saying goes- if you want it done right, you have to do it yourself. i live by this, probably enough in a night of drunken stupor i'd get it inked on my bu-hind, haha. but seriously, i really hope they don't dry out the turkey- maybe i should bring a spare???