all the way down

when i'm in a car i am the kind of person who loves the radio blaring and the windows down, all down if possible. on my way to the store last night weather conditions permitted a perfect wind in your hair experience. a nice 68 degrees, dry, lightly breezy, and the local radio station just seeemed to know what i was wanting to hear. like i said.... perfect.

i know its crazy, it was maybe a five minute ride, including the red light i had to pause at, but it was awesome, the air at your face forcing you to take deep breaths and in between belting out random lines and lyrics from your favorite tune at the top of your lungs, not giving a shit if the weird bald man picking his nose behind his "invisi-glass" is staring at you like you're the strange one.

it was a five minute bliss about not caring what the world or who was in it thought about me or what i was doing- and it felt amazing

it's the little things... definitely the little things :)

"cement shoes, size eight, make em heavy"

UGH!!!!!!!!!!!

okay now where to begin?? hmm....

ever feel like you were being held back? okay now, have you ever felt that way and realized it was you doing it to yourself?

i had my freakin "duh" moment last night in the midst of a migraine and puking from all the piled on bullcrap stress. i put up with accusations, insults, assumptions, and more. and for what exactly? for financial security? for the kids?

though logical reasons for some, I CAN'T FREAKIN TAKE IT ANYMORE!

grow up! grow a pair! the neediness has to stop! enough with the paranoia, enough with the insecurities! you are driving me crazy! to the point i think its seriously bad for my health. the crap makes me physically ill. i stress out, i get migraines left and right. i can't handle this crap.

i'm driving myself mad by staying in it, and if i could kick my own ass for it i would (though the mental picture i have in my head after saying that does make me chuckle a bit). i job hunt and talk to my friends and family trying to grasp and the threads of my sanity, or whats left of it... maybe some lint??? who knows....

anyway in the midst of what i appear to be doing i feel like i am standing still, like i'm not doing enough to get myself moving. i feel like i'm in cement shoes and i made them my damn self. like i locked myself in a cage and then chunked the key as far as possible. who the hell does that? yeah me- thats who, the bonafied self made martyr for dumbasses. not exactly the miss america title but i guess someone has to fill the position. i just don't want it to be me filling it anymore. i want to pass this torch along to someone else and run far far away from it. never seeing this place in life again. but there's one teeny tiny problem, i can't get my sneakers on....



anybody have a chisel?

My lil punkin has a tooth!!!!

okay so my youngest daughter turns 9 months old today :( too grown, too fast..... anyhoo i was munchin on a turkey sandwich and had my little one in my lap. she kept grabbing for my sandwich and so i was ripping of random bits of potato bread to feed to her, i stuck a bit in her mouth, didn't get it in there quite as well as i had hoped so i stuck my finger in her mouth to get the bread inside and it slid against A TOOTH! its her first one! she cut her first tooth on her nine month baby day, WOO-HOO!!!!!


lol.... okay just had to share :)

so i went, and had a really good time :)

while i went through DAYS of fighting to go out with my girls- i did it anyway, and i'm SO GLAD I DID!!! i really had a great time, ironically moreso in the process of getting ready than at the actual halloween party.... weird right???
it just felt good to be with the girls again, all of us changing in our clothes for the night, the blend of scents from the nail polish, hairspray, and perfumes from each of us... the sounds of endless excited chatter, hair dryer going and giggles.... it really was great, such small stupid things you realize you miss the most... don't get me wrong the party was fun, saw old friends and met new ones....

every point i had to make and every snide comment i had to hear in regards to going out was worth it, i needed it, more than i realized- and loved every minute of it :)

i really REALLY wanna go

okay so to give the gist of the "marriage" i am involved in....hmmmmm, how to say.... when my husband and i met i was an independent person, living in a townhouse with two of my best friends, doing my thing, ya know..... anyhoo in the midst of seven years i have managed to cut off the majority of anyone i held close either due to the fact i wasn't trusted to hang out with them, my husband didn't like them or he talked me into believing they lied or secretly hated, some stupid something. pretty much as long as it drove a wedge between me and anyone else it was willing to be said, catch my drift?
along with my social circle being ripped from me, i have become emotionally and psychologically dependent on him, and i hate it. you never know a power i've learned until you can make someone second guess how they are supposed to feel or what kind of emotion they are even supposed to have. and up until a few months ago i really hadn't noticed- okay wait thats a lie, i noticed... i just tried to remain ignorant to it and believe i have a happy life. ignorance is bliss is what they say.. i had two beautiful children, nice house, new car, a boat, and a hard working man to pay for it all, what was there not to love about this right??
well the fact is there was a lot that was truly in need of improvement. and still is mind you. my opinion, my say-so, mean so much less to him because being a stay at home mother i don't have dollar signs attached to my name. my need for social interaction with others is seen as a sign of weakness, not wanting to spend time with him is showing him i don't miss him, that i don't love him. its exhausting, i'm exhausted.
so, to finally make reference to my title... i have SLOWLY (being the operative word) been working on gaining my friends and those others i held close around me again. i'm a bull headed and stubborn individual. to swallow pride and ask for forgiveness like i have has been quite the humbling experience. well a couple of my old girlfriends asked me to attend a halloween party at which alot of old faces would be, they thought i might like it and to get out of the house with the girls it might be fun. immediately i was psyched to hear about it. yet, as fast as i got excited about it i got that nervous about it. i knew that if i went to do this i was most likely going to argue with him. joy, what a way to look forward to it all.
so yesterday he arrived home from work early and we hung out for a while, and did the usual "how was your day?" schpeel.... he could tell something was on my mind so i told him about it. and it unfolded exactly as i had predicted. i told him i was invited to go out with my girlfriends, to a halloween party and i really wanted to go. with those few words i was immeditely accused of going and getting drunk and driving home, hiding something from him, not wanting him around, there was obviously someone at this party i didn't want him to see. then it flipped to a why wasn't he invited, he'd like to go to something like that, i never want him around my friends, blah, blah, blah......
he got so loud in fact our neighbor came about to see if everything was okay- i was HUMILIATED!

i was talking to my girlfriend about it yesterday, she made some pretty good points- i take her words to heart because she's in a similar postition as i am. young mother, husband works long hours, stays at home with the kids and so on..... the only difference is she doesn't deal with the jealous insecurities that i do. lucky girl.
anyhoo, she went on about how i needed my backbone back, and needed to gain some of my own identity, so on and so forth, and if he wanted it to work then he wouold have to learn to lose the grip around me or he was sealing the fate of this relationship, that just because he chose not to do something or it wasn't required by him then that didn't mean that was the way everyone should have to feel about it.

i know things need to change. i really do. its the first steps i'm having the issues with, to face this arguing and accusations... you end up asking yourself if its even worth it. you almost give in and just shut up about it for the sake of not hearing about it, or worry about your neighbors coming by for that matter. but i need me back and i have to keep pushing myself to know this is worth it all, that I'M WORTH IT. if i don't start hear, then i can forget finding my wings again- i'll be lucky to find a feather.

a change of pace to positive

though there are many things i'm not sure of being, one i am totally knowing of is my being a mother. it has been one of the craziest, happiest, saddest, joyful, hairpulling experiences of my life.... and i wouldn't trade it for the world. for the most part its me and my girls throughout the day. my eldest being in school while my little one is home with me growing ever so fast with each passing day.

today happened to be grocery day, a chore though most parents dred with kids in tow i really enjoy. my oldest love is ridiculously helpful, doesn't hang on the shelves or swing from the frozen section's doors crying out we need something cause she saw it on TV. and the little one as long as the cart is moving- couldn't be happier.

we were going down the cereal aisle, i was rambling to my mother on my cell while my daughter was picking out a cereal for the week. a older woman approached me apologizing for interrupting but if i would mind if her daughter took a picture of my girls. apparently she is in a photography class and her assignment was to take snapshots of children in different age groups. she explained that she had seen us in produce and fell in love with the girls, that they were so adorable but she was nervous to approach me, hence her mother doing so. i of course obliged, i'm a fan of picture taking, well art in general, so if this girl wanted to do her assignment with my two girls i was happy to help.

my girls and i continued our adventure through the supermarket and headed to checkout. we had the typical checkout experience- ringing up items, coupons exchanged, tender given. then the bagger boy looked to me and said in the most sincere voice that i had a beautiful baby. not something you usually hear from a teenage boy whose main concerns are probably sports, girls, video games, etc.... it was refreshing and sweet.

though these compliments i recieved for my girls today seem ordinary, and i know parents probably experience this or something like it everyday it really made me feel good inside. because though i feel i have lost so much of myself over the years, there is one thing i have gained- my daughters. and when people take the time and realize, even for a split-second, how amazing and beautiful they are as i see them every moment of every day it makes me proud and blessed. not so much prooud of them, but proud because i am the one person in the world that gets to be their mom.

calling on angels

in search of my wings, one of the ways i've thought to find them was surrounding myself by the people that helped me fly. i know its cliche to say, but find those people who truly were the wind beneath my wings. when i got with my husband i pushed so many of them away thinking i didn't need them anymore, that some how he was all i needed. and now instead of soaring, i find myself on the ground only staring at the skies i once flew through.

i fear that though yes, i can find these people, will they be willing to take me back? for most of them its been almost a decade since i turned my back on them.

has too much time gone by?
have they moved on unlike i have, and unwilling to put the past back on the table?

so much hurt, so many lies, so much time.....

i'm not trying to live in the past, i'm not trying to be 17 again, i know one can't go back. but i do know i'm in the present and i don't know what to do with myself. somewhere along the way i went wrong. somewhere along the way lost my inability to soar. and i know that between then and now i abandoned alot of people who mattered most. and regardless how strong i try to appear to be, i miss them. i miss their smiles, their laughs, their secrets, and who i was around them, no better yet, who i was allowed to be around them. free of judgements, free to look stupid and know you were going to be loved anyway. to know you could try anything, be anything and know when you turned around, there they were, with open arms- ready to console you or congratulate you.

i miss those arms, it was warm there. i think it may be time to make a phone call or two. i wish i had the balls to call everyone i miss. but being it has been so long i don't know if i could find them. i may have lost a few for good- damn.