i really REALLY wanna go

okay so to give the gist of the "marriage" i am involved in....hmmmmm, how to say.... when my husband and i met i was an independent person, living in a townhouse with two of my best friends, doing my thing, ya know..... anyhoo in the midst of seven years i have managed to cut off the majority of anyone i held close either due to the fact i wasn't trusted to hang out with them, my husband didn't like them or he talked me into believing they lied or secretly hated, some stupid something. pretty much as long as it drove a wedge between me and anyone else it was willing to be said, catch my drift?
along with my social circle being ripped from me, i have become emotionally and psychologically dependent on him, and i hate it. you never know a power i've learned until you can make someone second guess how they are supposed to feel or what kind of emotion they are even supposed to have. and up until a few months ago i really hadn't noticed- okay wait thats a lie, i noticed... i just tried to remain ignorant to it and believe i have a happy life. ignorance is bliss is what they say.. i had two beautiful children, nice house, new car, a boat, and a hard working man to pay for it all, what was there not to love about this right??
well the fact is there was a lot that was truly in need of improvement. and still is mind you. my opinion, my say-so, mean so much less to him because being a stay at home mother i don't have dollar signs attached to my name. my need for social interaction with others is seen as a sign of weakness, not wanting to spend time with him is showing him i don't miss him, that i don't love him. its exhausting, i'm exhausted.
so, to finally make reference to my title... i have SLOWLY (being the operative word) been working on gaining my friends and those others i held close around me again. i'm a bull headed and stubborn individual. to swallow pride and ask for forgiveness like i have has been quite the humbling experience. well a couple of my old girlfriends asked me to attend a halloween party at which alot of old faces would be, they thought i might like it and to get out of the house with the girls it might be fun. immediately i was psyched to hear about it. yet, as fast as i got excited about it i got that nervous about it. i knew that if i went to do this i was most likely going to argue with him. joy, what a way to look forward to it all.
so yesterday he arrived home from work early and we hung out for a while, and did the usual "how was your day?" schpeel.... he could tell something was on my mind so i told him about it. and it unfolded exactly as i had predicted. i told him i was invited to go out with my girlfriends, to a halloween party and i really wanted to go. with those few words i was immeditely accused of going and getting drunk and driving home, hiding something from him, not wanting him around, there was obviously someone at this party i didn't want him to see. then it flipped to a why wasn't he invited, he'd like to go to something like that, i never want him around my friends, blah, blah, blah......
he got so loud in fact our neighbor came about to see if everything was okay- i was HUMILIATED!

i was talking to my girlfriend about it yesterday, she made some pretty good points- i take her words to heart because she's in a similar postition as i am. young mother, husband works long hours, stays at home with the kids and so on..... the only difference is she doesn't deal with the jealous insecurities that i do. lucky girl.
anyhoo, she went on about how i needed my backbone back, and needed to gain some of my own identity, so on and so forth, and if he wanted it to work then he wouold have to learn to lose the grip around me or he was sealing the fate of this relationship, that just because he chose not to do something or it wasn't required by him then that didn't mean that was the way everyone should have to feel about it.

i know things need to change. i really do. its the first steps i'm having the issues with, to face this arguing and accusations... you end up asking yourself if its even worth it. you almost give in and just shut up about it for the sake of not hearing about it, or worry about your neighbors coming by for that matter. but i need me back and i have to keep pushing myself to know this is worth it all, that I'M WORTH IT. if i don't start hear, then i can forget finding my wings again- i'll be lucky to find a feather.