calling on angels

in search of my wings, one of the ways i've thought to find them was surrounding myself by the people that helped me fly. i know its cliche to say, but find those people who truly were the wind beneath my wings. when i got with my husband i pushed so many of them away thinking i didn't need them anymore, that some how he was all i needed. and now instead of soaring, i find myself on the ground only staring at the skies i once flew through.

i fear that though yes, i can find these people, will they be willing to take me back? for most of them its been almost a decade since i turned my back on them.

has too much time gone by?
have they moved on unlike i have, and unwilling to put the past back on the table?

so much hurt, so many lies, so much time.....

i'm not trying to live in the past, i'm not trying to be 17 again, i know one can't go back. but i do know i'm in the present and i don't know what to do with myself. somewhere along the way i went wrong. somewhere along the way lost my inability to soar. and i know that between then and now i abandoned alot of people who mattered most. and regardless how strong i try to appear to be, i miss them. i miss their smiles, their laughs, their secrets, and who i was around them, no better yet, who i was allowed to be around them. free of judgements, free to look stupid and know you were going to be loved anyway. to know you could try anything, be anything and know when you turned around, there they were, with open arms- ready to console you or congratulate you.

i miss those arms, it was warm there. i think it may be time to make a phone call or two. i wish i had the balls to call everyone i miss. but being it has been so long i don't know if i could find them. i may have lost a few for good- damn.