so being it my youngest's first christmas, the first time i'd been to arizona, my brother's first christmas home from afghanistan... for all these reasons christmas should be remembered and cherished. and somewhere in the back of my mind, sticking to this day like little post-it notes they will exist in some meager way- but holy cow for entirely different reasons will this be this christmas to remember for years to come....
after a 14 hour drive we arrived in arizona, myself working on 2 1/2 hours of sleep. we get there, hugs exchanged, bags unloaded, furniture (yes, i said furniture) our trip was accompanied by a 5x8 trailer stuffed to the brim with goodies such as gifts, a tree, dinging room table, decor for the house. this was to be the first holiday my brother and sister-in-law were to host. exciting isn't it?? okay back to the story- we got showers, air mattresses blown up, and settled in. ready to assemble the tree, dec out the house and enjoy the evening together, only to find our christmas tree in all its pre-lit glory is missing a vital organ- the base : we had absolutely nothing to hold this tree up. so we kiss the idea of ending the evening with a finished tree and stockings hung. the next day a search party sets out looking in stores for a tree stand visiting countless retailers only to come up empty handed in their quest. in my mother's infinite brainstorming she comes across a solution to help us in our tree dilemma. so we gather rocks from outside, putting them in a pot and sticking the tree in- after a bit of fanagling this proves to be the way to go, it worked awesome. then my little nephew becomes ill, throwing up and having an awful time :( however a highlight came through that day, we got snow. i'm partial to a green landscape, but i have to admit, snow in the desert is pretty friggin amazing to see- absolutely beautiful. that night after decorating and having a few drinks we turned in. christmas eve we vowed not to leave the house, last minute shopping had rendered us useless. the stresses of all the food, wrapping gifts, finishing desserts, setting out presents for good girls and boys- our holiday readiness kept us going until almost 2 am!- yeah we were beat. and of course the little ones are up with the chicken, dying to know what awaits them under the tree. so we pull ourselves up out of bed and share christmas and about 4 pots of coffee to start the day. around 10 o'clock, we have stuck the turkey in the oven, the house is filling with amazing smells, everyone squeezing in a shower and a smoke when they can along with filling something with batteries or turning things on little hands aren't quite capable of doing. and almost like out of a storybook- BOOM! the clock strikes noon.
and
every
powersource
is
out.
the electricity for the entire post has been knocked out. no hot water, no tv for the big games on or so we may watch the christmas parades, no heat (remember we had snow) but most importantly- no power in the kitchen.
we hear that a huge bird had run itself into a transformer (i think thats crap, but whatever) and the ENTIRE, now let me stress this- the ENTIRE post was powerless. not, fun. so we assume patience is the way and we will stick it out until it comes back on, no big, we'll just eat a little later. so we occupy ourselves with the last battery power on the laptops, make sandwiches and other provisions that require no power. the warm turkey smell permiating from the oven is starting to fade. the sun is starting to set a bit and we realize we need a backup food plan.
yeah, umm... okay- no backups-
we needed something that could be grilled- hmmm......
how we came up with baked potatoes and hot dogs i still don't know but thats what we had. thats what our christmas dinner consisted of. my poor sis-in-law, she curled up the couch and left reality for a while whilst we tried and made the best of everything. my brother on the other hand was loving it. after whining about missing the game he almost became excited about the situation. it forced us to come together and left the distractions electricity can provide. everyone in their own little digital world.
we got word that the power would be back on no later than 10pm. um, thanks- we think.
it was getting really cold in the house and with no way to warm ourselves my brother and his infinite ingenuity pulls his grill and our huge bag of christmas wrappings out and begins making a fire for us to warm ourselves with on the back porch. and seriously- it really did bring us together. the family as well as some friends gathered around and we laughed and talked around the fire, away from everything- except eachother. and thats what matters right?
okay enough with the sentimentalism....
and like clockwork out of a tv show or lifetime christmas movie- the power popped back on, 10pm sharp.
my sis-in-law was so dissapointed in the day i turned to her and said screw it, "we are doing in now, fire up everything."
so diligently her and i put our nose to the grindstone creating a christmas midnight meal for us all. and at around 11:30 we were finally finished. and was sat around eating our late, but delicious christmas dinner- with 30 minutes of christmas to spare.
the day after christmas we made the spiral ham that got ignored in the day before's fiasco and the christmas dinner leftover were the perfect accompanyment. we planned on leaving the next morning so we took it easy, heading to the mall, grabbing a frosty from wendys and just enjoying our last full day. and the electricity.
that evening we were all resting in the livingroom when my other nephew in almost a dead sleep pops up and starts hurling onto the couch and floor, down the hall way and into the bathroom where the poor thing is found hugging the porcelain god. we decide on that note after we get him settled in its really time to call it a night. we were setting ourselves to wake at around 4 and head out- BUT apparently three more invites to the puke party were passed out. my two girls, and my sister all woke to the same fate as my nephew the night before. but we had to leave, we were working on deadline. people going back to work, planes to catch, papers to sign- lots of good stuff that could be put off, great.
so we pile in the vehicle, smushed by numerous packages, bags, and suitcases. my sister and my eldest in the very back, puking into grocery sacks armed with a roll of paper towels. my infant had ceased thank goodness. so halfway through our return home, the random hacking in the back was our soundtrack. nice.
we finally arrived after numerous stops and seat switching, cig breaks.
and in the days since we have arrived home 3 more people have fell victim to this puking epidemic, myself included. it is sick now i'm writing this wonderful story, lol. the only upside it is seems to some and go with a day so hopefully by tonight i shall be back to good again.
so that is what christmas was for me and mine this year, pretty eventful, interesting and downright crazy, sounds like words most would use to describe holiday with relatives doesn't it?
but i have to say i think this ones for the books, one that takes the cake (a from scratch, delicious, red velvet cake)
like i said one to remember.
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
ring, ring, ring....
its amazing how a ring can change so many things. it can change events, a mood, life all together. no, i'm not talking about the bright and shiny round one (though it does to an extent). a phone ring, a call from someone, somewhere- and in an instant your entire being can be altered...
crazy right?
yeah... i thought so too- when i actually took the time to think about it today...
i mean really, think of the things that one can here on the phone:
"it's a girl"
"i'm not coming back"
"we're gonna have a baby"
"i got the job"
"i love you"
"it's over"
"he's not gonna make it"
"i'm in jail"
you get the idea.
some days you dread the chiming of that phone wanting to submerge it in the soapy water of the kitchen sink or throw it under a moving train. other days you find it attached to your hand, ready to answer with every ounce of anxiousness humanly possible. catching yourself picking it up even when there was no sound made because you were "just checking".
oi vey- the phone...
it can be where some start their lives with another- or end it. to be truthful, it seeems the more phones we have in the world, the more i see the latter.
the phone can be a window into a person's world. who they talk to, what they say, like, dislike and so on... it can be a place where they have things they want just for themselves, only their eyes. a place where they keep memories, whether through pictures stored or simply a recollection of the long conversations, laughs and cries they have had.
ugh- that damn phone.......
crazy right?
yeah... i thought so too- when i actually took the time to think about it today...
i mean really, think of the things that one can here on the phone:
"it's a girl"
"i'm not coming back"
"we're gonna have a baby"
"i got the job"
"i love you"
"it's over"
"he's not gonna make it"
"i'm in jail"
you get the idea.
some days you dread the chiming of that phone wanting to submerge it in the soapy water of the kitchen sink or throw it under a moving train. other days you find it attached to your hand, ready to answer with every ounce of anxiousness humanly possible. catching yourself picking it up even when there was no sound made because you were "just checking".
oi vey- the phone...
it can be where some start their lives with another- or end it. to be truthful, it seeems the more phones we have in the world, the more i see the latter.
the phone can be a window into a person's world. who they talk to, what they say, like, dislike and so on... it can be a place where they have things they want just for themselves, only their eyes. a place where they keep memories, whether through pictures stored or simply a recollection of the long conversations, laughs and cries they have had.
ugh- that damn phone.......
Monday, November 23, 2009
ugh, its been a while
so its been a few since i came 'round.... life it seems has felt like dragging me behind it. almost like if you were sitting on a trashcan lid, tied by a rope to the back of a race car, going down lombard street in san francisco. yeah, that sounds about right...
the holidays are fast approaching, not sure how to feel about them just yet. it will be the first time in YEARS i haven't hosted a holiday for my family. my BABY brothers are doing both. i'm a control freak and the cook of the family. to be powerless on what will be consumed on thanksgiving and christmas is leaving me feeling not-so-great. but i'm trying to be a good sport and just let it roll. i'll just hover near the counter til the baby brother cry for big sissy's help with something or they become so frustrated, that they hand over the kitchen to me. but this is their first year and they are excited so i have to give them a sporting chance. even though we can all agree, as the old saying goes- if you want it done right, you have to do it yourself. i live by this, probably enough in a night of drunken stupor i'd get it inked on my bu-hind, haha. but seriously, i really hope they don't dry out the turkey- maybe i should bring a spare???
the holidays are fast approaching, not sure how to feel about them just yet. it will be the first time in YEARS i haven't hosted a holiday for my family. my BABY brothers are doing both. i'm a control freak and the cook of the family. to be powerless on what will be consumed on thanksgiving and christmas is leaving me feeling not-so-great. but i'm trying to be a good sport and just let it roll. i'll just hover near the counter til the baby brother cry for big sissy's help with something or they become so frustrated, that they hand over the kitchen to me. but this is their first year and they are excited so i have to give them a sporting chance. even though we can all agree, as the old saying goes- if you want it done right, you have to do it yourself. i live by this, probably enough in a night of drunken stupor i'd get it inked on my bu-hind, haha. but seriously, i really hope they don't dry out the turkey- maybe i should bring a spare???
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
all the way down
when i'm in a car i am the kind of person who loves the radio blaring and the windows down, all down if possible. on my way to the store last night weather conditions permitted a perfect wind in your hair experience. a nice 68 degrees, dry, lightly breezy, and the local radio station just seeemed to know what i was wanting to hear. like i said.... perfect.
i know its crazy, it was maybe a five minute ride, including the red light i had to pause at, but it was awesome, the air at your face forcing you to take deep breaths and in between belting out random lines and lyrics from your favorite tune at the top of your lungs, not giving a shit if the weird bald man picking his nose behind his "invisi-glass" is staring at you like you're the strange one.
it was a five minute bliss about not caring what the world or who was in it thought about me or what i was doing- and it felt amazing
it's the little things... definitely the little things :)
i know its crazy, it was maybe a five minute ride, including the red light i had to pause at, but it was awesome, the air at your face forcing you to take deep breaths and in between belting out random lines and lyrics from your favorite tune at the top of your lungs, not giving a shit if the weird bald man picking his nose behind his "invisi-glass" is staring at you like you're the strange one.
it was a five minute bliss about not caring what the world or who was in it thought about me or what i was doing- and it felt amazing
it's the little things... definitely the little things :)
Saturday, October 31, 2009
"cement shoes, size eight, make em heavy"
UGH!!!!!!!!!!!
okay now where to begin?? hmm....
ever feel like you were being held back? okay now, have you ever felt that way and realized it was you doing it to yourself?
i had my freakin "duh" moment last night in the midst of a migraine and puking from all the piled on bullcrap stress. i put up with accusations, insults, assumptions, and more. and for what exactly? for financial security? for the kids?
though logical reasons for some, I CAN'T FREAKIN TAKE IT ANYMORE!
grow up! grow a pair! the neediness has to stop! enough with the paranoia, enough with the insecurities! you are driving me crazy! to the point i think its seriously bad for my health. the crap makes me physically ill. i stress out, i get migraines left and right. i can't handle this crap.
i'm driving myself mad by staying in it, and if i could kick my own ass for it i would (though the mental picture i have in my head after saying that does make me chuckle a bit). i job hunt and talk to my friends and family trying to grasp and the threads of my sanity, or whats left of it... maybe some lint??? who knows....
anyway in the midst of what i appear to be doing i feel like i am standing still, like i'm not doing enough to get myself moving. i feel like i'm in cement shoes and i made them my damn self. like i locked myself in a cage and then chunked the key as far as possible. who the hell does that? yeah me- thats who, the bonafied self made martyr for dumbasses. not exactly the miss america title but i guess someone has to fill the position. i just don't want it to be me filling it anymore. i want to pass this torch along to someone else and run far far away from it. never seeing this place in life again. but there's one teeny tiny problem, i can't get my sneakers on....
anybody have a chisel?
okay now where to begin?? hmm....
ever feel like you were being held back? okay now, have you ever felt that way and realized it was you doing it to yourself?
i had my freakin "duh" moment last night in the midst of a migraine and puking from all the piled on bullcrap stress. i put up with accusations, insults, assumptions, and more. and for what exactly? for financial security? for the kids?
though logical reasons for some, I CAN'T FREAKIN TAKE IT ANYMORE!
grow up! grow a pair! the neediness has to stop! enough with the paranoia, enough with the insecurities! you are driving me crazy! to the point i think its seriously bad for my health. the crap makes me physically ill. i stress out, i get migraines left and right. i can't handle this crap.
i'm driving myself mad by staying in it, and if i could kick my own ass for it i would (though the mental picture i have in my head after saying that does make me chuckle a bit). i job hunt and talk to my friends and family trying to grasp and the threads of my sanity, or whats left of it... maybe some lint??? who knows....
anyway in the midst of what i appear to be doing i feel like i am standing still, like i'm not doing enough to get myself moving. i feel like i'm in cement shoes and i made them my damn self. like i locked myself in a cage and then chunked the key as far as possible. who the hell does that? yeah me- thats who, the bonafied self made martyr for dumbasses. not exactly the miss america title but i guess someone has to fill the position. i just don't want it to be me filling it anymore. i want to pass this torch along to someone else and run far far away from it. never seeing this place in life again. but there's one teeny tiny problem, i can't get my sneakers on....
anybody have a chisel?
Monday, October 26, 2009
My lil punkin has a tooth!!!!
okay so my youngest daughter turns 9 months old today :( too grown, too fast..... anyhoo i was munchin on a turkey sandwich and had my little one in my lap. she kept grabbing for my sandwich and so i was ripping of random bits of potato bread to feed to her, i stuck a bit in her mouth, didn't get it in there quite as well as i had hoped so i stuck my finger in her mouth to get the bread inside and it slid against A TOOTH! its her first one! she cut her first tooth on her nine month baby day, WOO-HOO!!!!!
lol.... okay just had to share :)
lol.... okay just had to share :)
so i went, and had a really good time :)
while i went through DAYS of fighting to go out with my girls- i did it anyway, and i'm SO GLAD I DID!!! i really had a great time, ironically moreso in the process of getting ready than at the actual halloween party.... weird right???
it just felt good to be with the girls again, all of us changing in our clothes for the night, the blend of scents from the nail polish, hairspray, and perfumes from each of us... the sounds of endless excited chatter, hair dryer going and giggles.... it really was great, such small stupid things you realize you miss the most... don't get me wrong the party was fun, saw old friends and met new ones....
every point i had to make and every snide comment i had to hear in regards to going out was worth it, i needed it, more than i realized- and loved every minute of it :)
it just felt good to be with the girls again, all of us changing in our clothes for the night, the blend of scents from the nail polish, hairspray, and perfumes from each of us... the sounds of endless excited chatter, hair dryer going and giggles.... it really was great, such small stupid things you realize you miss the most... don't get me wrong the party was fun, saw old friends and met new ones....
every point i had to make and every snide comment i had to hear in regards to going out was worth it, i needed it, more than i realized- and loved every minute of it :)
Thursday, October 22, 2009
i really REALLY wanna go
okay so to give the gist of the "marriage" i am involved in....hmmmmm, how to say.... when my husband and i met i was an independent person, living in a townhouse with two of my best friends, doing my thing, ya know..... anyhoo in the midst of seven years i have managed to cut off the majority of anyone i held close either due to the fact i wasn't trusted to hang out with them, my husband didn't like them or he talked me into believing they lied or secretly hated, some stupid something. pretty much as long as it drove a wedge between me and anyone else it was willing to be said, catch my drift?
along with my social circle being ripped from me, i have become emotionally and psychologically dependent on him, and i hate it. you never know a power i've learned until you can make someone second guess how they are supposed to feel or what kind of emotion they are even supposed to have. and up until a few months ago i really hadn't noticed- okay wait thats a lie, i noticed... i just tried to remain ignorant to it and believe i have a happy life. ignorance is bliss is what they say.. i had two beautiful children, nice house, new car, a boat, and a hard working man to pay for it all, what was there not to love about this right??
well the fact is there was a lot that was truly in need of improvement. and still is mind you. my opinion, my say-so, mean so much less to him because being a stay at home mother i don't have dollar signs attached to my name. my need for social interaction with others is seen as a sign of weakness, not wanting to spend time with him is showing him i don't miss him, that i don't love him. its exhausting, i'm exhausted.
so, to finally make reference to my title... i have SLOWLY (being the operative word) been working on gaining my friends and those others i held close around me again. i'm a bull headed and stubborn individual. to swallow pride and ask for forgiveness like i have has been quite the humbling experience. well a couple of my old girlfriends asked me to attend a halloween party at which alot of old faces would be, they thought i might like it and to get out of the house with the girls it might be fun. immediately i was psyched to hear about it. yet, as fast as i got excited about it i got that nervous about it. i knew that if i went to do this i was most likely going to argue with him. joy, what a way to look forward to it all.
so yesterday he arrived home from work early and we hung out for a while, and did the usual "how was your day?" schpeel.... he could tell something was on my mind so i told him about it. and it unfolded exactly as i had predicted. i told him i was invited to go out with my girlfriends, to a halloween party and i really wanted to go. with those few words i was immeditely accused of going and getting drunk and driving home, hiding something from him, not wanting him around, there was obviously someone at this party i didn't want him to see. then it flipped to a why wasn't he invited, he'd like to go to something like that, i never want him around my friends, blah, blah, blah......
he got so loud in fact our neighbor came about to see if everything was okay- i was HUMILIATED!
i was talking to my girlfriend about it yesterday, she made some pretty good points- i take her words to heart because she's in a similar postition as i am. young mother, husband works long hours, stays at home with the kids and so on..... the only difference is she doesn't deal with the jealous insecurities that i do. lucky girl.
anyhoo, she went on about how i needed my backbone back, and needed to gain some of my own identity, so on and so forth, and if he wanted it to work then he wouold have to learn to lose the grip around me or he was sealing the fate of this relationship, that just because he chose not to do something or it wasn't required by him then that didn't mean that was the way everyone should have to feel about it.
i know things need to change. i really do. its the first steps i'm having the issues with, to face this arguing and accusations... you end up asking yourself if its even worth it. you almost give in and just shut up about it for the sake of not hearing about it, or worry about your neighbors coming by for that matter. but i need me back and i have to keep pushing myself to know this is worth it all, that I'M WORTH IT. if i don't start hear, then i can forget finding my wings again- i'll be lucky to find a feather.
along with my social circle being ripped from me, i have become emotionally and psychologically dependent on him, and i hate it. you never know a power i've learned until you can make someone second guess how they are supposed to feel or what kind of emotion they are even supposed to have. and up until a few months ago i really hadn't noticed- okay wait thats a lie, i noticed... i just tried to remain ignorant to it and believe i have a happy life. ignorance is bliss is what they say.. i had two beautiful children, nice house, new car, a boat, and a hard working man to pay for it all, what was there not to love about this right??
well the fact is there was a lot that was truly in need of improvement. and still is mind you. my opinion, my say-so, mean so much less to him because being a stay at home mother i don't have dollar signs attached to my name. my need for social interaction with others is seen as a sign of weakness, not wanting to spend time with him is showing him i don't miss him, that i don't love him. its exhausting, i'm exhausted.
so, to finally make reference to my title... i have SLOWLY (being the operative word) been working on gaining my friends and those others i held close around me again. i'm a bull headed and stubborn individual. to swallow pride and ask for forgiveness like i have has been quite the humbling experience. well a couple of my old girlfriends asked me to attend a halloween party at which alot of old faces would be, they thought i might like it and to get out of the house with the girls it might be fun. immediately i was psyched to hear about it. yet, as fast as i got excited about it i got that nervous about it. i knew that if i went to do this i was most likely going to argue with him. joy, what a way to look forward to it all.
so yesterday he arrived home from work early and we hung out for a while, and did the usual "how was your day?" schpeel.... he could tell something was on my mind so i told him about it. and it unfolded exactly as i had predicted. i told him i was invited to go out with my girlfriends, to a halloween party and i really wanted to go. with those few words i was immeditely accused of going and getting drunk and driving home, hiding something from him, not wanting him around, there was obviously someone at this party i didn't want him to see. then it flipped to a why wasn't he invited, he'd like to go to something like that, i never want him around my friends, blah, blah, blah......
he got so loud in fact our neighbor came about to see if everything was okay- i was HUMILIATED!
i was talking to my girlfriend about it yesterday, she made some pretty good points- i take her words to heart because she's in a similar postition as i am. young mother, husband works long hours, stays at home with the kids and so on..... the only difference is she doesn't deal with the jealous insecurities that i do. lucky girl.
anyhoo, she went on about how i needed my backbone back, and needed to gain some of my own identity, so on and so forth, and if he wanted it to work then he wouold have to learn to lose the grip around me or he was sealing the fate of this relationship, that just because he chose not to do something or it wasn't required by him then that didn't mean that was the way everyone should have to feel about it.
i know things need to change. i really do. its the first steps i'm having the issues with, to face this arguing and accusations... you end up asking yourself if its even worth it. you almost give in and just shut up about it for the sake of not hearing about it, or worry about your neighbors coming by for that matter. but i need me back and i have to keep pushing myself to know this is worth it all, that I'M WORTH IT. if i don't start hear, then i can forget finding my wings again- i'll be lucky to find a feather.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
a change of pace to positive
though there are many things i'm not sure of being, one i am totally knowing of is my being a mother. it has been one of the craziest, happiest, saddest, joyful, hairpulling experiences of my life.... and i wouldn't trade it for the world. for the most part its me and my girls throughout the day. my eldest being in school while my little one is home with me growing ever so fast with each passing day.
today happened to be grocery day, a chore though most parents dred with kids in tow i really enjoy. my oldest love is ridiculously helpful, doesn't hang on the shelves or swing from the frozen section's doors crying out we need something cause she saw it on TV. and the little one as long as the cart is moving- couldn't be happier.
we were going down the cereal aisle, i was rambling to my mother on my cell while my daughter was picking out a cereal for the week. a older woman approached me apologizing for interrupting but if i would mind if her daughter took a picture of my girls. apparently she is in a photography class and her assignment was to take snapshots of children in different age groups. she explained that she had seen us in produce and fell in love with the girls, that they were so adorable but she was nervous to approach me, hence her mother doing so. i of course obliged, i'm a fan of picture taking, well art in general, so if this girl wanted to do her assignment with my two girls i was happy to help.
my girls and i continued our adventure through the supermarket and headed to checkout. we had the typical checkout experience- ringing up items, coupons exchanged, tender given. then the bagger boy looked to me and said in the most sincere voice that i had a beautiful baby. not something you usually hear from a teenage boy whose main concerns are probably sports, girls, video games, etc.... it was refreshing and sweet.
though these compliments i recieved for my girls today seem ordinary, and i know parents probably experience this or something like it everyday it really made me feel good inside. because though i feel i have lost so much of myself over the years, there is one thing i have gained- my daughters. and when people take the time and realize, even for a split-second, how amazing and beautiful they are as i see them every moment of every day it makes me proud and blessed. not so much prooud of them, but proud because i am the one person in the world that gets to be their mom.
today happened to be grocery day, a chore though most parents dred with kids in tow i really enjoy. my oldest love is ridiculously helpful, doesn't hang on the shelves or swing from the frozen section's doors crying out we need something cause she saw it on TV. and the little one as long as the cart is moving- couldn't be happier.
we were going down the cereal aisle, i was rambling to my mother on my cell while my daughter was picking out a cereal for the week. a older woman approached me apologizing for interrupting but if i would mind if her daughter took a picture of my girls. apparently she is in a photography class and her assignment was to take snapshots of children in different age groups. she explained that she had seen us in produce and fell in love with the girls, that they were so adorable but she was nervous to approach me, hence her mother doing so. i of course obliged, i'm a fan of picture taking, well art in general, so if this girl wanted to do her assignment with my two girls i was happy to help.
my girls and i continued our adventure through the supermarket and headed to checkout. we had the typical checkout experience- ringing up items, coupons exchanged, tender given. then the bagger boy looked to me and said in the most sincere voice that i had a beautiful baby. not something you usually hear from a teenage boy whose main concerns are probably sports, girls, video games, etc.... it was refreshing and sweet.
though these compliments i recieved for my girls today seem ordinary, and i know parents probably experience this or something like it everyday it really made me feel good inside. because though i feel i have lost so much of myself over the years, there is one thing i have gained- my daughters. and when people take the time and realize, even for a split-second, how amazing and beautiful they are as i see them every moment of every day it makes me proud and blessed. not so much prooud of them, but proud because i am the one person in the world that gets to be their mom.
calling on angels
in search of my wings, one of the ways i've thought to find them was surrounding myself by the people that helped me fly. i know its cliche to say, but find those people who truly were the wind beneath my wings. when i got with my husband i pushed so many of them away thinking i didn't need them anymore, that some how he was all i needed. and now instead of soaring, i find myself on the ground only staring at the skies i once flew through.
i fear that though yes, i can find these people, will they be willing to take me back? for most of them its been almost a decade since i turned my back on them.
has too much time gone by?
have they moved on unlike i have, and unwilling to put the past back on the table?
so much hurt, so many lies, so much time.....
i'm not trying to live in the past, i'm not trying to be 17 again, i know one can't go back. but i do know i'm in the present and i don't know what to do with myself. somewhere along the way i went wrong. somewhere along the way lost my inability to soar. and i know that between then and now i abandoned alot of people who mattered most. and regardless how strong i try to appear to be, i miss them. i miss their smiles, their laughs, their secrets, and who i was around them, no better yet, who i was allowed to be around them. free of judgements, free to look stupid and know you were going to be loved anyway. to know you could try anything, be anything and know when you turned around, there they were, with open arms- ready to console you or congratulate you.
i miss those arms, it was warm there. i think it may be time to make a phone call or two. i wish i had the balls to call everyone i miss. but being it has been so long i don't know if i could find them. i may have lost a few for good- damn.
i fear that though yes, i can find these people, will they be willing to take me back? for most of them its been almost a decade since i turned my back on them.
has too much time gone by?
have they moved on unlike i have, and unwilling to put the past back on the table?
so much hurt, so many lies, so much time.....
i'm not trying to live in the past, i'm not trying to be 17 again, i know one can't go back. but i do know i'm in the present and i don't know what to do with myself. somewhere along the way i went wrong. somewhere along the way lost my inability to soar. and i know that between then and now i abandoned alot of people who mattered most. and regardless how strong i try to appear to be, i miss them. i miss their smiles, their laughs, their secrets, and who i was around them, no better yet, who i was allowed to be around them. free of judgements, free to look stupid and know you were going to be loved anyway. to know you could try anything, be anything and know when you turned around, there they were, with open arms- ready to console you or congratulate you.
i miss those arms, it was warm there. i think it may be time to make a phone call or two. i wish i had the balls to call everyone i miss. but being it has been so long i don't know if i could find them. i may have lost a few for good- damn.
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
what i am
i guess a good place to start in figuring out who i am is to remember who i've been, good and bad.
i have been:
a daughter
a mother
a sister
a granddaughter
a friend
a grocery clerk
a girl scout
a cocktail waitress
an aunt
a smoker
a wife
a cashier
a girlfriend
a student
an athletic trainer
a drinker
a sister in law
a writer
a cheater
a stripper
a painter
a military brat
an abused child
an honor role student
a lover
a winner
a loser
a dancer
a flirt
a bitch
i don't know exactly what the point of this was or if i'm finished with the list, hopefully i can look back on it later knowing it actually served a purpose, haha
i have been:
a daughter
a mother
a sister
a granddaughter
a friend
a grocery clerk
a girl scout
a cocktail waitress
an aunt
a smoker
a wife
a cashier
a girlfriend
a student
an athletic trainer
a drinker
a sister in law
a writer
a cheater
a stripper
a painter
a military brat
an abused child
an honor role student
a lover
a winner
a loser
a dancer
a flirt
a bitch
i don't know exactly what the point of this was or if i'm finished with the list, hopefully i can look back on it later knowing it actually served a purpose, haha
not sure where to start
having lots on your chest but not knowing where to expell it to is where i sit right now inside my head. a dear friend of mine suggested i give blogging a go, which in turn is why i'm sitting here writing this. now the hardest part for anything its seems, including this blog is the first step.
its weird how i'm so hesitant to write even a simple introduction. i used to be one to dive head first into anything, asking any questions that came along after the fact. nowadays i can barely "dip my toe in the pool" without running behind a tree.
i think thats what inspired the whole "looking for my wings" thing. i'm on a desperate search to find that fire within myself again. to be the person i know i can be with a light i once had.
i guess now would be an appropriate time for a brief intro. i'm a SAHM of two girls, married and i have a few dogs... hmm thats pretty stale sounding, maybe we'll just skip the intro and as anyone begins to read these blogs they can form their own opinion about me and who i am. if there is one thing i have learned, its that you can tell anyone who you think you are til you're blue in the face and nine chances out of ten they are forming their own opinion of you anyways. so why waste my time and anyone else's right???
i'm definitely a writer, not published or anything, but like alot of people i'm sure i write poetry, songs, lay in bed and have to jump out of it to write something down before i forget it in the morning.... wait people do that right?? i'm not crazy right?? i paint and draw on occasion, even tried starting my own business by it. failed miserably because i was too scared to put myself out there. ugh, stupidity can be so frustrating, especially when its your stupidity you have the problem with.
hopefully in this search for my wings i can find my head as well, i heard its been up my own rear for a while. i think its about time i pulled it out and used my senses again.
its weird how i'm so hesitant to write even a simple introduction. i used to be one to dive head first into anything, asking any questions that came along after the fact. nowadays i can barely "dip my toe in the pool" without running behind a tree.
i think thats what inspired the whole "looking for my wings" thing. i'm on a desperate search to find that fire within myself again. to be the person i know i can be with a light i once had.
i guess now would be an appropriate time for a brief intro. i'm a SAHM of two girls, married and i have a few dogs... hmm thats pretty stale sounding, maybe we'll just skip the intro and as anyone begins to read these blogs they can form their own opinion about me and who i am. if there is one thing i have learned, its that you can tell anyone who you think you are til you're blue in the face and nine chances out of ten they are forming their own opinion of you anyways. so why waste my time and anyone else's right???
i'm definitely a writer, not published or anything, but like alot of people i'm sure i write poetry, songs, lay in bed and have to jump out of it to write something down before i forget it in the morning.... wait people do that right?? i'm not crazy right?? i paint and draw on occasion, even tried starting my own business by it. failed miserably because i was too scared to put myself out there. ugh, stupidity can be so frustrating, especially when its your stupidity you have the problem with.
hopefully in this search for my wings i can find my head as well, i heard its been up my own rear for a while. i think its about time i pulled it out and used my senses again.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)